The Saiyan Saga WTF Edition
by MrTennek
Summary: A complete retelling of the original Saiyan Saga as if it were created and written by a deranged madman. Rated M for language and ludicrous amounts of adult content.


DBZ - THE SAIYAN SAGA WTF EDITION

Episode #1 - 'New Enemies, New Allies, and a Whole Lotta Saban Crap'

Narrator - It has been a time of peace on Earth. Ever since Goku defeated the evil Ma Jr. in combat during the world martial arts tournament, all has been quiet over the planet. However, this joyous period is about to be cut short by an evil, and malovent new force, racing towards the planet, by the name of Rad-- OH SHIT! (gets run over by a space-pod)

Radditz - (looking around) What the hell was that? Just great, another strike on my drivers license...F---!

(the pod races towards Earth, and plumets onto a grassy, farmland knoll)

Farmer - (with a cig in his mouth) What in tarnation? What is that thing...One of them fancy new humbermacycles?

Radditz - (gets out of the pod slowly) Ack...That's the LAST time I fly third class...Shit, could they have packed me in any smaller of a vessel! My neck feels like it's been fed through a cheese-grater ten times over! (goes out)

Farmer - Y...Yer on my property ya freak!

Radditz - Oh, am I now? (checks his scouter, which reads 'Level 5') Hmm, such a puny power level...(starts to approach the man)

Farmer - St...Stay away from me! I'm warning ya! (aims his gun at Radditz) One more step and I'll shoot!

Radditz - Take your best shot old man.

Farmer - Alright, you asked for it! (fires the rifle)

Radditz - (tries to catch the bullet, but instead, it goes straight through his hand) OH F---! OH GOD THAT HURTS!  
AAAAGHHHH! (tenderly holds his wounded hand)

Farmer - I warned ya! I told you to get lost! Now look what ya made me gone and do!

Radditz - Alright, enough of this crap! (lifts his crotch plate up, revealing his...'manly' region...)

Farmer - SWEET MOTHER OF-- (gags and drops dead)

Radditz - Hah. No one can stand the ever powerful sight of a Saiyan's pride. Now then, to find Kakarott!...(flies off, and ends up getting a bug in the eye) AAAGHHH! DAMNIT, I HATE THIS PLACE!

meanwhile, at Goku's humble abode

Goku - Alright, this one should do! (hits a tree with his fist; causing it to come falling down)

(silence)

Goku - Oh f---, I knew I should've thought further ahead than this. (gets squashed by the huge tree)

Chichi - Just great...

Gohan - Dad crush himself with a cedar-wood again?

Chichi - Yes son, yes he did...

meanwhile, at some random barren area

Piccolo - (meditating) (passes gas suddenly) Gasp! Flatulence-sense is tingling! (looks over his shoulder) Somebody must be approaching...But who...?

Radditz - (suddenly flies in and lands)

Piccolo - Man Goku, you've really let yourself go the past few years...

Radditz - No I hav-- What-- Wait a minute! My name is not Goku! I am the extremely powerful and elite space warrior Radditz;  
not this other fellow you made mention of...

Piccolo - So then, what do you want. Have you come here to challenge me to battle, or for my world reknowned and highly praised bean dip.

Radditz - Neither, my green amigo. I'm looking for a fellow by the name of Kakarott, and since you have one of the highest power-levels on this planet, I only assumed you'd know.

Piccolo - Kakarott? Never heard of him. Now get lost, I want to go and finish watching 'Barbie's Dream Adventure' telepathically before it's over!

Radditz - It would be best if you cooperated friend...You wouldn't want me to get...angry...

Piccolo - Now look! I had no intention of starting a fight here!

Radditz - Yes you did; what are you talking about-- you're the demon king of this world!

Piccolo - Well yes, you're right...But I gotta appease the Saban executives, or else my TV watching time'll get cut in half!

Radditz - Ouch, that's harsh!

Piccolo - Yer tellin' me.

Radditz - Alright then. If you won't tell me wilingly, then I guess I'll just have to FORCE you to talk! (raises one hand)

Piccolo - HHHHGGGGGGAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! (fires a blast, but misses Radditz by fifteen full meters) Oh crap...

Radditz - Now then, my green bean, I like to call this little technique of mine here, 'A Double Sunday with Nuts and Extra Fudge'...(continues charging his blast) So keep your eye on it buddy...Cause you'll only see this doosy once!

Piccolo - Aghhhh, just great-- And I'm allergic to nuts! What am I gonna do now? Think Piccolo-- think! What would Barbie do in a situation like this...

Radditz - (still charging up)

Piccolo - Well, she'd get into her special dream car and drive off into the sunset with Ken...but I highly doubt that would work in my situation...(sweatdrop)

Radditz - Grrrrrrrr...(throws one hand forward) DOUBLE SUNDA-- (his scouter goes off) Huh? (looks off) Another large power...It must be Kakarott! (starts to fly) Here, have this-- (throws a slip of paper at Piccolo)

Piccolo - Huh? (grabs the paper) What the--

Radditz - It's a redeemable coupon for a hot-fudge sunday since I was unable to deliver mine in time. Ta-ta! (flies off)

Piccolo - Kick ass! Mc Time! (flies off singing) I'm lovin' it...

back at Goku's bungalow

Goku - (covered in bandages from head to toe) Gohan, make a note for me. Never knock down a one-hundred ton cedar while standing beneath it totally unprepared.

Gohan - Brilliant stuff there dad.

Chichi - Aren't you two supposed to be over at Roshi's island for your annual 'gangbang gettogether'?

Goku - Oh shit, you're right! (gets up) Gohan, you're going to have to fly me there; I can't do much in this condition.

Gohan - But dad, this is only the early part of the saga; I don't know how to use my hidden powers yet--

Goku - Well you'd better learn quick, or it's more creamed baloney for you!

Gohan - Oh, sweet Lord no-- (flies off fast with Goku)

at Roshi's devious island of sexual delights

Krillin - Master Roshi, when you said this was gonna be a 'hot party that I'd never forget', I wasn't assuming that you meant just you, the pig, and a 1000 year old turtle...

Roshi - Well my young pupil, it's like the old saying always goes; if life gives you lemons, you just puree them into a special lube and make good use of it!

Krillin - ...Right...

Oolong - Lemon juice will never have the same meaning for me...

Bulma - (enters) Hey guys!

Krillin - Hey, Bulma!

Roshi - Hey hey! Nice to see ya Bulma; always as beautiful as ever!

Bulma - Why thank you! $3 million dollars in extensive plastic surgery will do that for you.

Krillin - Man, Yamcha must have really gotten a big pay raise to afford that!

Bulma - Pfff, yeah right! In case you forgot, they don't give actors in gay porn raises; so I had to pay for all of this bootylicious stuff myself!

Oolong - Wow...Whoring really pays that well? I gotta get me some of that action!

Bulma - So then, you all ready for the party?

Roshi - Oh yes, all lubed up and ready to go!

Krillin - And there went my erection...

Turtle - Erection! Who are you kidding!

(everyone laughs maniacally for no reason whatsoever)

Krillin - (thinking to himself) This year'll be different...I'll show them all! What with that viagra concotion and all...

Roshi - (to Bulma) I guess you forgot all about my doobies. Oh well, that's alright; I'll forgive ya!

Bulma - (shoves a box of...illegal substances...in Roshi's face) Surprise!

Roshi - Oh my! You're going to spoil this old junkie! (gets stoned off his ass)

Krillin - So then Bulma, where's Yamcha? I thought he was going to show up here for today.

Bulma - Oh, you know; he's off getting his butt stuffed by macho, hairy men, as usual.

Oolong - Geez, all of that gay man sex must be really wearing on him!

Bulma - You're telling me! You know, whenever we try to have sex now, his ass is so gaping huge, his f---ing colon hangs down to the floor! I can barely stick my strapon into it any more.

Krillin - Speaking of strap-on's and butt-sex; where is that buffoon Goku! He was supposed to be here over an hour ago,  
and this 'medication' of mine is startin' to wear off!

Bulma - Yeah, that guy...He's always late!

Roshi - (high) You know, I don't know why for the life of me I always insist on drinking this horribly bland and tasteless water, when I have tons of delicious and wonderful beer in my fridge...But hey! You gotta set an example, right?

Krillin - I...guess...so...?

Roshi - Hey, speaking of such; those are some awfully nice 'examples' you've grown there over the past few years Bulma!

Bulma - (slaps Roshi) Not so hasty old man!

Oolong - That's right; we gotta wait for Goku to get here before the mass orgy can commence!

Krillin - Speaking of Goku; I'm smelling something really rank outside, so that must mean...(opens the door)

Goku - (holding a young boy) Howdy guys!

Everyone - Goku!

Goku - (goes inside) Hope you guys didn't start getting wasted without me.

Krillin - Not us. But hey, you know Master Roshi...

Goku - Hah, no kiddin'!

Bulma - Hey Goku, who's the kid? Your new little S&M buddy?

Goku - Hah, I wish! No, friends...This is my son, Gohan!

Everyone - YOUR SON!

Goku - That's rrrrrrrright! (grins)

Krillin - But Goku, how is that possible? After what happened between you and King Piccolo, I thought you could never.  
you know, reproduce!

conveniently placed flashback

Young Goku - (flies through King Piccolo's chest) AAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

King Piccolo - AUUUUUUGGGHHHHHHHHHH! I can't believe it, he flew right through me! He may have one the battle, but I can still win the war! (bulges his throat and spews an egg from his mouth)

Young Goku - Yes, I won! I WO-- (gets hit by the egg square in the crotch) AAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!

King Piccolo - Now that ain't right. (inflates and explodes)

back to the present

Goku - Oh yeah. After that 'incident', both of my gonads were totally crushed. Hell, that egg hit me so hard, that they wound up in my throat! But I digress...Anyways, using the modern miracle of 'artificial insemination', the doctors were able to extract a generous amount of semen from my neck, and squirt it into Chichi! The rest is history.

Krillin - Wow...Modern science, ya gotta love it!

Bulma - (with her huge implants bouncing like mad) You said it!

Goku - Yep, having a son is great! Knowing that your legacy of stupidity and ignorance will live on...Ah, it's just great!

Krillin - Dang straight. (picks up a rock and skips it across the water)

Goku - Yep! Best time of my life, I tell ya! (picks up a rock and throws it; capsizing a nearby cruise ship in the process)

Roshi - (thinking) Huh, I thought Goku's power would've decreased over these past few years, but instead, it's even greater!  
Must be all of that bondage and domination action he's into.

Goku - So then, shall we begin the usual group-f---ing ritual?

Roshi - Hell yeah! I've been waiting for this for over 2 years! (drops his pants)

Krillin - Man, this is nuts!

Turtle - (goes up to Gohan)

Gohan - (looks scared)

Goku - Aww, it's alright Gohan; he just wants you to be his sex slave, that's all!

Gohan - O...kay...

(suddenly, a dark figure flies towards the island)

Goku - What the-- Who's that?

Turtle - (busy lubing himself) Huh?

Krillin - Is it Piccolo?

Goku - No...It's too...evil...

Radditz - (flies into view)

Everyone - (looks dramatically concerned)

Radditz - (flying towards the island) Hahahahahahahahahahaha...

Roshi - This isn't good; I can smell death in the air...

Oolong - Uh, I think that's because the turle croaked.

Gohan - (jumps back from the turtle) Ew! Yuck!

Radditz - (still flying fast) Hahahahahahahahahahaha-- Uh-- Oh shit-- I can't stop...Uh...I can't-- What the hell!

Goku - Um...

Radditz - OH FUCK, LOOK OUT! (crashes head first into Roshi's house)

Roshi - Hah! I knew it! What did I tell you pig; I knew it was a good idea that I got that home insurance last week!

Oolong - Yeah, I doubt that stuff covers deranged space aliens crashing into your house.

Radditz - (slowly gets out of the rubble) Augh...(rubs his head) Man, I really gotta get my brakes checked out...Agh.  
And there's no way in hell I'm going back to Jiffy-Lube; those bastards screwed me over once, they're not getting any more money from me agai--

Goku - Who the hell are you, and what do you want? We are peace-loving people here, who wish to do nothing more than have a hot and completely illegal sex orgy! Now talk!

Radditz - (limps towards the group) Ah yes, but of course. Allow me to introduce myself, Goku, or as I should call you,  
Kakarott...My name is Radditz...I am a soldier from the planet Vegeta who has come here to-- (holds his head)  
Augh! Man, you guys wouldn't happen to have any tylenol or ibuprofen laying around here, would you? My head is killing me!

Roshi - Hold on, let me go look...

Radditz - Thank you...Agh!...Anyways, as I was saying! My name is Radditz, and I have come here to ask you Kakarott to join us, the Saiyan race, in concuring the galaxy! How does that sound...BROTHER!

(everyone looks mortified)

Goku - Brother!

Radditz - That's right...(grins evily)

Bulma - Goku has a...brother?...

Krillin - Man, this is nuts!

Radditz - So then, how does it all sound Kakarott; would you like to join me and travel back to our home?

Goku - Look, brother or not, and whether I'm from space or not; it doesn't matter to me! My name is Goku, I live here, and these are my friends! NOW LEAVE US ALONE!

Radditz - Afraid I can't do that bro. You see, we just got a new assignment to conqeur a planet not too far away from here. Normally, it wouldn't be a problem for the three of us, but in this case, we could use some extra he--

Roshi - (comes back out) Here. I found some extra strength aspirin, if it'll help.

Radditz - Wha-- Ah yes, thank you! (eats the pills) Anyways, as I was saying...This new planet is...(yawns) This new...(looks very tired)...I...What's going on?-- (falls to the ground lifelessly)

Krillin - What the--

Goku - Heh, heh-- Roshi's old 'date-rape drug switch' trick always works! Now then, let's drag this sucker inside and get to work! I never did try incest before...

Roshi - Oooh, kinky! I like it! (goes inside)

one hour and an extremely graphic and undescribable sex party later...

(everyone is collapsed on the floor from exhaustion)

Radditz - (slowly wakes up) Aghh...Sweet Lord, what happened? Last thing I remembered is-- (sees all of the naked people around him) Oh mother of God...What did these sick Earthling's do to me? And what is this bizarre sticky white ectoplasm that seems to be splattered all over me! It won't come off my armor-- just great! $15 dollars later at the dry-cleaners; and that Asian guy ALWAYS over-charges me! (gets up) Now then, since Kakarott has decided to refuse to join us, I might as well give him some extra incentive to think otherwise...(smiles evily) Yes...Yes indeed...(looks at Gohan malovently) But before that; time for some needless and extremely graphic violence!  
(walks up to Goku and kicks him square in the nuts)

Goku - (wakes up flailing) AUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!

Krillin - (startles awake) Huh? What!

Goku - (holding his crotch) OH SWEET MOTHER OF MERCY!

Roshi - (dreaming) Keep it down baby...I know it's big, but try not to yell so much!...

Oolong - Big, yes. Sturdy, no.

Radditz - Hear me brother! If you ever want to see your beloved son again, then you will come to the plains five miles from here westward, after you have slaughtered 1,000 earthlings!

Goku - (looks horrified) No! STOP THIS!

Gohan - (crying loudly and wailing) NO, DADDY, HELP!

Saban Censor - Yoink! (censors Gohan's tears away, because we all know just how traumatizing and evil normal bodily fluids can be to children)

Radditz - Consider this your first test as a Saiyan warrior! If you cherish your sons life, then you will do as I say!  
(flies off laughing maniacally)

Goku - NOOOOOOOOOOOO! GOHAN! (hits the ground hard with his hands) WHY!

Bulma - Oh Goku...I'm so sorry-- There was nothing any of us could do!

Krillin - Yeah man...

Roshi - (in a daze) (gets up) Hold on! I'll stop him! (runs and trips over his own dong; falling over and nearly killing himself)

Oolong - My hero.

Goku - Well guys...It looks like I have no choice...but to comply with what that monster asked!

Krillin - Goku, you can't be serious!

Goku - There's nothing else I can do! That guy is way too strong, and unless I get Gohan back by supper-time, Chichi is gonna fucken kill me!

Bulma - What-- Hold on a minute. You're more concerned about what Chichi thinks, as opposed to your own son's life?

Goku - Hell yes! I could care less what happens to that little bugger; I don't need that bitch of a wife of mine on my ass again for one week straight!

Bulma - (rubs her forehead)

Goku - So it looks like I have to go and do some killing guys...

Piccolo - Not so long as I'm still around.

Goku - Wha--?

Everyone - (looks upwards and sees Piccolo) (horrified) PICCOLO!

Krillin - What do you want with us you gassy demonic freak?

Piccolo - Well, normally, coming by and beating the tar out of all of you and stealing your souls would be top on my agenda,  
but for today, I'm here for something different.

Goku - (getting humped by Roshi) And what is that!

Piccolo - I assume, judging by the shape you're all in, that you people had a run in with that alien from space. And, from what I saw, he also took your son.

Goku - (getting penetrated by Roshi) What're you getting at...

Piccolo - I propose that the two of us join forces and go destroy that alien before he has a chance to do any more damage!  
I won't lie to you or myself, he's far too powerful for me to defeat on my own; and I know you wouldn't stand much of a chance either...So it seems we have no choice...

Goku - Very well Piccolo...I will trust that you'll hold true to your word, and aid me in getting my son back.

Piccolo - Good.

Goku - But one thing before we go anywhere...

Piccolo - What?

Goku - ...

Piccolo - ...

Goku - ...

Piccolo - ...

Goku - ...How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood...?

Piccolo - ...

Goku - ...

Piccolo - ...

Goku - ...

Everyone on the Island - ...

Author - ...

Narrator - Uh...Yeah...Erm...What will happen on the next exciting episode of Dragonball Z? Will the two combined warriors have enough strength and power to defeat the evil Radditz? Will Goku ever get his son back? Will Roshi ever stop penetrating various bodily orifices with his manhood? TUNE IN NEXT TIME, FOR ALL OF THIS AND MUCH, MUCH, MORE!

TO BE CONTINUED! 


End file.
